Dunkin Donuts: A Quest

Sunday evening was 4th of July, but Katana had to work so we decided to celebrate on Monday (when everyone has off) by going to North Shore. Going to North Shore is, apparently, a bit of an undertaking and we need to plan a week in advance, which we did. We were going to have a picnic and get shaved ice from some famous place. And then! Disaster! ZombieSlayer got sick Sunday evening with a fever of 100.7 and couldn't come spend the night so we could go early. (read: before noon)

We were at a loss, but decided to still do something—in cosplay. Hamburglar then mentioned that she wanted to go to Dunkin' Donuts because she had never been there, nor had she eaten a Dunkin' Donut (I KNOW! I was shocked, too!). So we decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts—in cosplay. This is a brilliant plan and we agree it is the best ever.

Since every costume we have is that of a male (Hamburglar goes as Mello, Katana as Matt, and I go as either B or L from Death Note) and we are quite boobilicious, I decide to practice binding on Sunday night to prepare for Monday morning. I'm not very uncomfortable so I decide I am a flat success, and plan on doing it on the morrow.

This was a mistake.

Even if I had waited until the last minute to bind (it only takes me about ten minutes to get ready, versus Hamburglar and Katana's collective hour), and not done it right when I was finished with my make up, I would have still been in excruciating pain. Breathing is difficult when bound, and I have a whole new respect for Katana putting up with it for twelve hours at a time. I didn't even make it out the door. I put on a tight tank top under my shirt and deemed myself ready. (By the way, I was B.)

12:00 PM: We set out in high spirits, get all the way down to the car and realize no one has any idea where we are going. So we hike back upstairs. I look up the location on Google Maps, Katana takes a picture of the directions with her phone, and we proceed down to the car.

First of all, we're not sure how to get to the correct highway. We normally take H1 East to Kahala, but in this case we had to take HI West. Somehow we (Hamburglar) manage to find the highway and embark. Yay! Spirits are high, Katana and Hamburglar are singing Tic Toc (in Matt and Mello cosplay. Hilarity ensues and I record it.), when all of a sudden Hamburglar says the first of many, many terrible things:

“I think I was supposed to take that exit.”

Oh, god.

Well, no matter. We can reroute ourselves. And we did... twelve different times.

Let me begin by saying that Hamburglar is a GENIUS when it comes to getting lost. She is very good at finding where she needs to be after giving up hope. We wanted to find Kamehameha road/street/highway, and she found it after about twenty minutes. But not before we somehow end up in Waipahu, which is not where we wanted to be. Corner-of-the-Island No. 2. (First being Waikiki.)

Somehow, after circling through Waipahu several times, we find Kamehameha, and Hamburglar proceeds—but not before Katana says “I think that was the street we're supposed to turn on.”

“We're going this way,” I paraphrase for Hamburglar.

That was a mistake.

We reroute ourselves two times On Our Way To Dunkin Donuts this time. Hamburglar mentions we are supposed to drive through some mountains. What we end up driving through can only be described as Africa.

We, of course, sing the Circle Of Life, but only slightly as we don't know the words and don't speak any African dialects. After two hours of happy driving through the boonies, Hamburglar suddenly breaks our hearts for the second time.

Hamburglar: “Dude, we're going to North Shore.”
Katana: “Ha, ha, what?”
Hamburglar: “We're going. To. North Shore.”
All: (thinking) “How did that happen?”
Katana: “Isn't it ironic that we originally planned to go to North Shore, and then somehow ended up in it?”
Hamburglar and I do not appreciate her irony. North Shore is not even remotely near to where we want to go. Corner Of The Island No. 3.

After committing more than a few illegal traffic maneuvers, we call ZombieSlayer. ZombieSlayer, sick and weak and in bed, still has enough energy to scold us because there “is not a Dunkin Donuts in Pearlridge,” which was where we wanted to go. Hamburglar thinks there could be, after Katana consults several different address location androids, so we go back to where we were when Katana said she thought that was the road we were supposed to turn on.

At this point, none of us like one another anymore. We're very sick of the road, the car, and each others' voices and faces. Tempers are high and so are voices. Hamburglar pulls into Burger King for a rest because she has been driving nonstop.

****************(Note: These polite asterisks represent enraged arguments that are not fit for human ears. After the arguments, we are slightly more sweaty, and I am looking for food to refuel.)

I go into Burger King and order far too much food. I was really hungry; I hadn't eaten all day in anticipation of the donuts we all so badly wanted. Hamburglar and Katana follow within a few minutes, order food, and sit down with me to eat. We all feel better with food. We decide it would be great fun to play the Eclipse gamble... thing, since we all got large meals and had about three tickets apiece. I won a Whopper Jr and gave it to Hamburglar and she immediately cashed it in. Only for me to realize it had bacon on it when I started feeling nauseous. Blegh. She ate it REALLY QUICKLY and I felt better.

We set out again because, at this point, we are not going to let the donuts win. We argued, we got lost, we wasted more than three hours of our time (Oh, yeah, it's about 3:30 at this point), and got ZombieSlayer angry at us. We are determined to have donuts. We will not stop until we have the donuts. I make plans to buy one simply to punish and destroy. Katana has drool all down her face as she plans what she is going to get. We. Must. Have. Donuts.

So we call ZombieSlayer again.

As it turns out, the Dunkin Donuts is in Kailua, (Corner Of The Island No. 4) where ZombieSlayer's dad lives so she knows where everything is and knows exactly where it is. We promise to buy her a donut in exchange for her services, and she gives us directions.

YAY! We are on the road again! And this time with comprehensive, local directions! We know where we are going! We drive through a mountain! We go through a tunnel! We see pretty mountains everywhere! Dude, Kailua is really pretty! We only have to call ZombieSlayer once to confirm the directions! She gets pissed at us for cosplaying without her! We get to the shopping center!

“Dude, it's not there.”
“What?”
“The Dunkin Donuts isn't there.”
“Well, what is there?”
“Uhh, a Baskin Robbins, a Foodland, a Blazing Steak—”
“The Blazing Steak wasn't there before.”
“...”

What.

Yeah. There is no Dunkin Donuts in the entire state of Hawaii. NONE. Zip. Nada. There was one but it was closed. And replaced with a Blazing Steak.

We get Baskin Robbins to sooth our wounded feelings, and then go home.

Epilogue:
Hamburglar and I made a video, in cosplay, protesting Dunkin Donut's lack of establishment in the state of Hawaii. We then play Left 4 Dead, which I am stupendously bad at (but I did kill a tank and a boomer). Katana got sick and laid around. We hate Dunkin Donuts.