Today, I was scared. I was actually sick to my stomach with fright. The only other time I had ever been that terrified was when I was flying to Hawaii on my own for the very first time, I had never been on a plane before and I took six antacids. I don't get scared easily. I really don't. I carry a knife in my purse because my brother gave it to me before I moved. I have phobias, sure, of boats, bridges and stairs, but everyone has those.
What, you ask, could make me this sick with fear?
I read a Twi-Hard's blog today.
I found it by searching “Honolulu” on Blogger, and decided to... investigate the inner workings of my worst enemies.
I was not prepared.
First of all, you know all of those over-exaggerated impressions we do of Twilight fans going “I LOVE EDWARD! OMGOMGOMGOMG ROB IS SO HOOOOOTT!”? No, they actually do that. She actually wrote stuff like that. And this is a grown woman. She's married and has a child. And she does this. Actively. She drools over vampires and hates on werewolves.
Second, BEWARE THE SHERATON WAIKIKI HOTEL DECEMBER 3-5! There is a Twilight convention coming to town on that date. That might have scared me more than the blogger, because I knew Twi-hard fans existed, but I didn't know that there was going to be a gathering of them for more than two days. This is three days. (And to show what a freaking pig festival it is, the main cast won't even be there. Yeah, I investigated.)
Now, I hate Twilight for a few reasons. My sisters started reading it and it drove me crazy because they talked about it all the time. It was insane. They camped out at book stores waiting for the new books to come out. I secretly took a glance at what turned out to be Eclipse a few weeks after it came out and they gushed about it. I read one page and went “* vomit *” and set it down never, I thought, to return. Because my sisters talked about it so much, I had a lot of material for general bashing. I also gained material from BeccaTwoC, because her friends analyzed it and she shared the information with me. I never actually read it, but I could talk about it at length with quite a bite (lulz, pun).
I was talking to one of my coworkers about it one time. She really liked the books, for reasons I still have as yet to discern, and when we were talking about it, she was the first to ask “Have you read the books?” I told her that, well, no, I hadn't read them. She told me to read them and then make my own judgments.
This was a mistake on her part.
I already hated the books and everything that they represented. Yes, my information came from third parties and it wasn't actually my opinions. But then I read books one, two and four (I heard Bella died in the last one and got excited so I skipped) and had my own reasons to hate the books.
And to wonder why they were even published. They belong on a fan fiction site. That is how insanely poor the plot and writing is. I don't call myself a first-class writer, but I have read first-class writing, and Twilight is not that.
It took me a while to read the books because I had to keep setting them aside to make room for the vomit because they weren't mine. In the first half of Twilight, alone, I screamed “What the CRAP?!” no less than ten times. I was that shocked, and that sickened. When Edward left in New Moon, I actually went “Story is done now, yes? * checks remaining pages * Ohh...” and then watched as Bella tried to get by without a man in her life. Way to educate your readership, Meyer. GREAT job.
I would like to point out, on that note, that if anyone, regardless of who they are, regardless of their intentions, comes into my room to watch me sleep, they will get clubbed. I am not kidding. I will club you like a baby seal if you sneak into my room through the window uninvited. (Good luck, though, because I live on the 17th floor.) This isn't even in reference to the vampire legend about not being able to come into homes uninvited; while that is a nice twist, especially how they handled it in Let The Right One In, it's mostly bullshit invented by priests who wanted people to feel safe. If you believe a legend, you probably won't question it. If you are a vampire. No, this has nothing to do with that. It has to do with breaking and entering and general creepiness. That horny bastard could get arrested. He actually could. Where is the romance in that, I ask you? It's not there; it doesn't exist. It is serenely ignored in light of how “romantic” it is. Excuse me while I vomit.
And don't even get me started on the sparkling. You know what? He lives in the woods, he doesn't harm humans, he sparkles—let's face it: Edward's not a vampire, he's a fucking fairy.
You know how the book should have gone? First of all, it would not be four books, it would be one quick-and-to-the-point book. Second, Bella would be sent to her father's by her mother and be a regular teenager who doesn't want to live where the sun don't shine. Third, Edward would try to attack her at least once. Fourth, Edward would get arrested by Bella's dad for stalking his daughter. Fifth, Edward breaks out of prison and hunts Bella down. He convinces her that he is a vampire (okay, fine, a vegetarian vampire) and that he wants to suck her blood because she's mm-mm-good. Sixth, Bella actually shows some sense of self-preservation and says “No, thank you, good sir.” Seventh, a Jasper miraculously appears and changes her. Om-nom-nom. Eighth, Bella freaks and goes on a rampage and kills Charlie so there's no human ties for her. Nineth, Edward stops her dumb ass and, like, ties her down, or something. Tenth, after convincing her of proper morals now that she's no longer mm-mm-good, they begin to fall in love naturally and then she is introduced to his family where she can be a proper member. Eleventh, no werewolves. Please pick your genre and adhere to it.
Doesn't that sound so much better? Honestly, I could write that. Take note, Meyer: This is how it should have gone.
Then I would be a fan. None of this mamby-pamby “I love you in spite of the fact that you want to kill me.” I—Please. Even Buffy and Angel had issues. Hell, even Buffy and Spike had issues. But it was still believable and realistic.
For, you know, a fantasy novel.
P.S. For those curious, my little sister made a full recovery.
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