Why Can't I Talk About This Bitch Without Humming Bad Romance?

You know that old saying “If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all”? Well... “nice” is in the eye of the beholder. On that note, I will now talk about Katana.

Lulz, suspense.

I met Katana over two years ago (Actually, it was around the two-year anniversary that I came here for Kawaii Kon. I didn't keep track of the exact day.) in an online chatroom for Purgatory, the multi-fandom multi-player roleplay community we were both a part of. I had been banished from the internet for about a month by my parents, and when I came back and went into the chatroom, the first thing anyone said was “Hey, this is the Near!” I played Near, from Death Note, and Katana played Mello. As a result... Things.

If you've met Katana, you're probably her friend. You know why? Because Katana makes friends with everyone. Her record, I think, is about thirty-two minutes. Thirty-two minutes, and she'll have your phone number, Facebook account, and know at least three fun facts about you. Katana is very good at making friends.

I am not.

I don't really like making friends. I don't really like having friends. At Katana's point of entry, I had one (1) friend. BeccaTwoC and I had been friends for about four years – almost five, by my reckoning. I still sort of marvel over the fact that I was able to keep her for that long. (Because, yes, BeccaTwoC is my property, thank you very much.) I stubbornly avoid making friends because, frankly, I don't need that extra drama. (This was, by the way, my philosophy up until a year and a half ago. Now I'm fucked.)

My outlook on Katana was, “Okay, our characters are going to have to interact. Yes, she is crazy-happy, yes, she is overly-friendly. But I don't have to make friends with her. We'll just talk about our characters.”

This was a mistake stupid resolution, on my part. You don't talk to Katana just about characters. You know why? Because Katana would very much like to know your life's story, and she will hear it, come hell or high water – and if you are stranded in high water, you have time to kill waiting for the rescue boats so you may as well tell her. Save yourself the grief.

S-So, somehow we became friends? Or whatever? And now, suddenly I have four friends simultaneously? Or whatever? I'm not sure.

Oh, and Katana would like everyone to know that she likes zombies, even though she is scared to death of them (Ba-dum-bum-PSH!) and that Left 4 Dead is actually her game, but she is too scared to play it. But she likes zombies. A lot.

Also, she reads books, or something? I don't know. I tune her out. (Ba-dum-bum-PSH!)

(N-No? Honey, the post is about you... you should be excited, right? Right?)

(*Twenty minutes later* No, probably not.)

P.S. To whom it may concern, I am still sick, as evidenced by this post. And I am not amused. But I am feeling better. I'll try and crank out ZombieSlayer and BeccaTwoC before I'm completely healed, though.

P.P.S. Actually, the moral of this story is that Katana stalks people.

P.P.P.S But she prefers the term “friendly following”.

SHUT UP, DAD-BOAT, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

Because I am sick, and therefor cannot go outside and have adventures, I have decided to write about my roommates. This topic only recently occurred to me because I just mentioned it (if that makes any sense).

I'm starting with Hamburglar. I'll work my way through Katana and ZombieSlayer. If I'm still bored/sick after that, I'll write about BeccaTwoC. And if I'm still sick after that, I'll force ZenTea to tell me his life's story so I can write about that. And if I'm still sick after that, I'll write about myself. But I have a very nice immune system when I'm not sick, and hopefully I'll recover before being driven to that last topic.

(Yeah, because I never talk about myself here. Ever.)

So. Hamburglar.

Hamburglar is kind of a contradiction unto herself.

She hordes comic books

She can quote anime

She plays video games obsessively until she is BOSS at them

She cosplays

She makes her own cosplay costumes

She has at least a small knowledge of every video game in the world

She works at GameStop (and is a girl)

She has two laptops that she runs simultaneously so it's like she has her own LAN party

She has, like, a 7.9 GPA

Now, all of these traits bring to mind mushroom-like gremlins that grow in their mother's basements. They are generally albino freaks, gather in darkened rooms to protect them from the harshness of the sun and the corrosive effects of oxygen. AND YET:

She's a theater major

She is tan

She has this wild curly red hair that goes out to THERE most days

She has friends

She goes outside

She actually has, like, a lot of friends. She always knows someone who knows someone.

She bakes

(She's actually making a chocolate-and-strawberry two-layer cake right now for Katana, who was gypped on her birthday)

She wants a Porsche Boxster (2003)

I met Hamburglar through Katana, because Katana would like all of her friends to be friends. She's... weird like that. I spoke to Hamburglar in a chat room for all of two minutes before I went “Yeah, peace” and signed off. A year later, I was crashing on her couch for Kawaii Kon 2010. A month after that, I moved in. And now we actually hang out one-on-one. (And by “hang out” I mean, we sit around waiting for Katana to get off work so we can do interesting things. Katana is where the party's AT. I—What? Oh. It's still about Hamburglar? Right. Okay. SHUT UP, I'M SICK.)

Summary: Hamburglar is the geek's wet dream because she is a hot girl who plays video games (like a BOSS), and actually ends sentences with “like a BOSS”.

Oh, and she cosplays Link, or something?

P.S. Now she's baking in cosplay. I don't know what to do with this.

I'm a sloth... I'm a cold sloth.

Today started out super awesome!

No, just kidding, I don't have a life.

Hamburglar and Katana used video chat to communicate across the room. We are clearly too important to use conventional methods... like speaking up.

1:41 PM: Katana is a couch.

1:43 PM: We are so interesting.

1:44 PM: My laundry is done! Oh the folding thrills I shall have!

2:02 PM: I've officially exhausted the entertainment value of folding.

2:03 PM: “Are we going to cosplay today?” “I kinda wanna. I wanna.” “Uhhh... maybe.”

3:38 PM: There is a bird outside our door.

4:04 PM: There is a bird. Outside. OUR DOOR.

Katana and Hamburglar chased the bird away. We went to Kahala, returned the Legend of Zelda game that Hamburglar borrowed for Katana, get Tekken for Hamburglar, get ZombieSlayer and prepare for awesomeness.

First, we decide to go cosplaying. We are going to go cosplaying, and do normal things – because normal things are so much more fun in cosplay. We walk to IHOP (in cosplay) and have pancakes (in cosplay). I put syrup on my pancakes, something I rarely do, and it was far too sweet so I didn't finish mine. I don't really like overbearingly sweet things.

On our way out of IHOP, we decide that it would be awesome to ride the tourist trolley (in cosplay). The tourist trolleys are usually populated with Japanese folks wanting to see a lot of the city. It's free but we view it with certain contempt because it's annoying. But today... we want to go on one.

But we were too late for the trolley. We had a sad. We decide to walk to the International Market. On the way, I spot a bike rack and decide to ride it. So I do. And Katana snaps a picture. Then Katana poses with it, and I snap a picture. Then Hamburglar, and then ZombieSlayer. We were just really awesome. This one lady saw us from inside a bar, and poked her head out to ask if we wanted her to take a picture of all of us with the bike rack. We agree, assure her we are not tourists, and pose. It. Was. Awesome.



But then... we got accosted.

Not by Spotter. We got accosted by “Homeless” Guy. First, he stopped us asking if he could show us around. We were like, “No, dude, we live here, it's cool.” But he didn't leave us alone. He stopped us again.

“Homeless” Guy: “I really appreciate you stopping, not everyone would. You know how it's been raining around here a lot?”
Us: “...No.”

It doesn't rain here a lot. It... drizzles. It doesn't even effect you.

“Homeless” Guy: “...Well, it has been. Anyway, I've been stuck outside with no place to stay, so I'm trying to raise money to stay in a hotel tonight. I don't want money for nothing, so I composed a rap song to sing for some cash. I know money's tight but any dollars you could spare would be appreciated—”
Us: “We don't carry cash.” (Lying.)
Hamburglar: “Yeah, it's dangerous to carry cash around...”
“Homeless” Guy: “It's not dangerous to carry cash around...”
Bek: “Clearly, it is.”

And we fucking booked.

He actually followed us to the street corner, until we crossed and then he hung back.

So anyway, yeah, then we went to International Market, which is fun. They had BIG FISH. Big. Pond. Fish. (Koi.) It was awesome.

On our way back, Katana and I decide to stick our feet in the building's swimming pool, since we've been walking for a long time. The water felt so good that we went upstairs, got swimsuits on, and I swam in a pool for the first time in over a decade. It was legen—wait for it—dary.

Conclusion? Everything is 100% more awesome when you're in cosplay.

Dunkin Donuts: A Quest

Sunday evening was 4th of July, but Katana had to work so we decided to celebrate on Monday (when everyone has off) by going to North Shore. Going to North Shore is, apparently, a bit of an undertaking and we need to plan a week in advance, which we did. We were going to have a picnic and get shaved ice from some famous place. And then! Disaster! ZombieSlayer got sick Sunday evening with a fever of 100.7 and couldn't come spend the night so we could go early. (read: before noon)

We were at a loss, but decided to still do something—in cosplay. Hamburglar then mentioned that she wanted to go to Dunkin' Donuts because she had never been there, nor had she eaten a Dunkin' Donut (I KNOW! I was shocked, too!). So we decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts—in cosplay. This is a brilliant plan and we agree it is the best ever.

Since every costume we have is that of a male (Hamburglar goes as Mello, Katana as Matt, and I go as either B or L from Death Note) and we are quite boobilicious, I decide to practice binding on Sunday night to prepare for Monday morning. I'm not very uncomfortable so I decide I am a flat success, and plan on doing it on the morrow.

This was a mistake.

Even if I had waited until the last minute to bind (it only takes me about ten minutes to get ready, versus Hamburglar and Katana's collective hour), and not done it right when I was finished with my make up, I would have still been in excruciating pain. Breathing is difficult when bound, and I have a whole new respect for Katana putting up with it for twelve hours at a time. I didn't even make it out the door. I put on a tight tank top under my shirt and deemed myself ready. (By the way, I was B.)

12:00 PM: We set out in high spirits, get all the way down to the car and realize no one has any idea where we are going. So we hike back upstairs. I look up the location on Google Maps, Katana takes a picture of the directions with her phone, and we proceed down to the car.

First of all, we're not sure how to get to the correct highway. We normally take H1 East to Kahala, but in this case we had to take HI West. Somehow we (Hamburglar) manage to find the highway and embark. Yay! Spirits are high, Katana and Hamburglar are singing Tic Toc (in Matt and Mello cosplay. Hilarity ensues and I record it.), when all of a sudden Hamburglar says the first of many, many terrible things:

“I think I was supposed to take that exit.”

Oh, god.

Well, no matter. We can reroute ourselves. And we did... twelve different times.

Let me begin by saying that Hamburglar is a GENIUS when it comes to getting lost. She is very good at finding where she needs to be after giving up hope. We wanted to find Kamehameha road/street/highway, and she found it after about twenty minutes. But not before we somehow end up in Waipahu, which is not where we wanted to be. Corner-of-the-Island No. 2. (First being Waikiki.)

Somehow, after circling through Waipahu several times, we find Kamehameha, and Hamburglar proceeds—but not before Katana says “I think that was the street we're supposed to turn on.”

“We're going this way,” I paraphrase for Hamburglar.

That was a mistake.

We reroute ourselves two times On Our Way To Dunkin Donuts this time. Hamburglar mentions we are supposed to drive through some mountains. What we end up driving through can only be described as Africa.

We, of course, sing the Circle Of Life, but only slightly as we don't know the words and don't speak any African dialects. After two hours of happy driving through the boonies, Hamburglar suddenly breaks our hearts for the second time.

Hamburglar: “Dude, we're going to North Shore.”
Katana: “Ha, ha, what?”
Hamburglar: “We're going. To. North Shore.”
All: (thinking) “How did that happen?”
Katana: “Isn't it ironic that we originally planned to go to North Shore, and then somehow ended up in it?”
Hamburglar and I do not appreciate her irony. North Shore is not even remotely near to where we want to go. Corner Of The Island No. 3.

After committing more than a few illegal traffic maneuvers, we call ZombieSlayer. ZombieSlayer, sick and weak and in bed, still has enough energy to scold us because there “is not a Dunkin Donuts in Pearlridge,” which was where we wanted to go. Hamburglar thinks there could be, after Katana consults several different address location androids, so we go back to where we were when Katana said she thought that was the road we were supposed to turn on.

At this point, none of us like one another anymore. We're very sick of the road, the car, and each others' voices and faces. Tempers are high and so are voices. Hamburglar pulls into Burger King for a rest because she has been driving nonstop.

****************(Note: These polite asterisks represent enraged arguments that are not fit for human ears. After the arguments, we are slightly more sweaty, and I am looking for food to refuel.)

I go into Burger King and order far too much food. I was really hungry; I hadn't eaten all day in anticipation of the donuts we all so badly wanted. Hamburglar and Katana follow within a few minutes, order food, and sit down with me to eat. We all feel better with food. We decide it would be great fun to play the Eclipse gamble... thing, since we all got large meals and had about three tickets apiece. I won a Whopper Jr and gave it to Hamburglar and she immediately cashed it in. Only for me to realize it had bacon on it when I started feeling nauseous. Blegh. She ate it REALLY QUICKLY and I felt better.

We set out again because, at this point, we are not going to let the donuts win. We argued, we got lost, we wasted more than three hours of our time (Oh, yeah, it's about 3:30 at this point), and got ZombieSlayer angry at us. We are determined to have donuts. We will not stop until we have the donuts. I make plans to buy one simply to punish and destroy. Katana has drool all down her face as she plans what she is going to get. We. Must. Have. Donuts.

So we call ZombieSlayer again.

As it turns out, the Dunkin Donuts is in Kailua, (Corner Of The Island No. 4) where ZombieSlayer's dad lives so she knows where everything is and knows exactly where it is. We promise to buy her a donut in exchange for her services, and she gives us directions.

YAY! We are on the road again! And this time with comprehensive, local directions! We know where we are going! We drive through a mountain! We go through a tunnel! We see pretty mountains everywhere! Dude, Kailua is really pretty! We only have to call ZombieSlayer once to confirm the directions! She gets pissed at us for cosplaying without her! We get to the shopping center!

“Dude, it's not there.”
“What?”
“The Dunkin Donuts isn't there.”
“Well, what is there?”
“Uhh, a Baskin Robbins, a Foodland, a Blazing Steak—”
“The Blazing Steak wasn't there before.”
“...”

What.

Yeah. There is no Dunkin Donuts in the entire state of Hawaii. NONE. Zip. Nada. There was one but it was closed. And replaced with a Blazing Steak.

We get Baskin Robbins to sooth our wounded feelings, and then go home.

Epilogue:
Hamburglar and I made a video, in cosplay, protesting Dunkin Donut's lack of establishment in the state of Hawaii. We then play Left 4 Dead, which I am stupendously bad at (but I did kill a tank and a boomer). Katana got sick and laid around. We hate Dunkin Donuts.