Why Can't I Talk About This Bitch Without Humming Bad Romance?

You know that old saying “If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all”? Well... “nice” is in the eye of the beholder. On that note, I will now talk about Katana.

Lulz, suspense.

I met Katana over two years ago (Actually, it was around the two-year anniversary that I came here for Kawaii Kon. I didn't keep track of the exact day.) in an online chatroom for Purgatory, the multi-fandom multi-player roleplay community we were both a part of. I had been banished from the internet for about a month by my parents, and when I came back and went into the chatroom, the first thing anyone said was “Hey, this is the Near!” I played Near, from Death Note, and Katana played Mello. As a result... Things.

If you've met Katana, you're probably her friend. You know why? Because Katana makes friends with everyone. Her record, I think, is about thirty-two minutes. Thirty-two minutes, and she'll have your phone number, Facebook account, and know at least three fun facts about you. Katana is very good at making friends.

I am not.

I don't really like making friends. I don't really like having friends. At Katana's point of entry, I had one (1) friend. BeccaTwoC and I had been friends for about four years – almost five, by my reckoning. I still sort of marvel over the fact that I was able to keep her for that long. (Because, yes, BeccaTwoC is my property, thank you very much.) I stubbornly avoid making friends because, frankly, I don't need that extra drama. (This was, by the way, my philosophy up until a year and a half ago. Now I'm fucked.)

My outlook on Katana was, “Okay, our characters are going to have to interact. Yes, she is crazy-happy, yes, she is overly-friendly. But I don't have to make friends with her. We'll just talk about our characters.”

This was a mistake stupid resolution, on my part. You don't talk to Katana just about characters. You know why? Because Katana would very much like to know your life's story, and she will hear it, come hell or high water – and if you are stranded in high water, you have time to kill waiting for the rescue boats so you may as well tell her. Save yourself the grief.

S-So, somehow we became friends? Or whatever? And now, suddenly I have four friends simultaneously? Or whatever? I'm not sure.

Oh, and Katana would like everyone to know that she likes zombies, even though she is scared to death of them (Ba-dum-bum-PSH!) and that Left 4 Dead is actually her game, but she is too scared to play it. But she likes zombies. A lot.

Also, she reads books, or something? I don't know. I tune her out. (Ba-dum-bum-PSH!)

(N-No? Honey, the post is about you... you should be excited, right? Right?)

(*Twenty minutes later* No, probably not.)

P.S. To whom it may concern, I am still sick, as evidenced by this post. And I am not amused. But I am feeling better. I'll try and crank out ZombieSlayer and BeccaTwoC before I'm completely healed, though.

P.P.S. Actually, the moral of this story is that Katana stalks people.

P.P.P.S But she prefers the term “friendly following”.

SHUT UP, DAD-BOAT, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

Because I am sick, and therefor cannot go outside and have adventures, I have decided to write about my roommates. This topic only recently occurred to me because I just mentioned it (if that makes any sense).

I'm starting with Hamburglar. I'll work my way through Katana and ZombieSlayer. If I'm still bored/sick after that, I'll write about BeccaTwoC. And if I'm still sick after that, I'll force ZenTea to tell me his life's story so I can write about that. And if I'm still sick after that, I'll write about myself. But I have a very nice immune system when I'm not sick, and hopefully I'll recover before being driven to that last topic.

(Yeah, because I never talk about myself here. Ever.)

So. Hamburglar.

Hamburglar is kind of a contradiction unto herself.

She hordes comic books

She can quote anime

She plays video games obsessively until she is BOSS at them

She cosplays

She makes her own cosplay costumes

She has at least a small knowledge of every video game in the world

She works at GameStop (and is a girl)

She has two laptops that she runs simultaneously so it's like she has her own LAN party

She has, like, a 7.9 GPA

Now, all of these traits bring to mind mushroom-like gremlins that grow in their mother's basements. They are generally albino freaks, gather in darkened rooms to protect them from the harshness of the sun and the corrosive effects of oxygen. AND YET:

She's a theater major

She is tan

She has this wild curly red hair that goes out to THERE most days

She has friends

She goes outside

She actually has, like, a lot of friends. She always knows someone who knows someone.

She bakes

(She's actually making a chocolate-and-strawberry two-layer cake right now for Katana, who was gypped on her birthday)

She wants a Porsche Boxster (2003)

I met Hamburglar through Katana, because Katana would like all of her friends to be friends. She's... weird like that. I spoke to Hamburglar in a chat room for all of two minutes before I went “Yeah, peace” and signed off. A year later, I was crashing on her couch for Kawaii Kon 2010. A month after that, I moved in. And now we actually hang out one-on-one. (And by “hang out” I mean, we sit around waiting for Katana to get off work so we can do interesting things. Katana is where the party's AT. I—What? Oh. It's still about Hamburglar? Right. Okay. SHUT UP, I'M SICK.)

Summary: Hamburglar is the geek's wet dream because she is a hot girl who plays video games (like a BOSS), and actually ends sentences with “like a BOSS”.

Oh, and she cosplays Link, or something?

P.S. Now she's baking in cosplay. I don't know what to do with this.

RIIIICOLA! RICOLA, RICOLA, RICOLA!

Every day that Hamburglar works, and Katana works, I go with them. I sit in Narbes, have my tea, freak out random strangers, plot against BaristaBoy (when he is there) and have an all-around good time. Today, even though I was sick, and even though I wanted nothing more than to stay at home and contain my plague, I automatically got up and got ready to go to Narbes.

This was a mistake.

I got an orange juice and water (not together) and sat me down to read Peanuts. (I typically read Peanuts when I am sick. Today is no exception.) Because I tend to have a devil-may-care attitude when I'm sick, and hate everyone and everything around me because I can't breathe, I get into a Creative Discussion with Katana... and then almost got kicked out of the mall.

Yeah, you heard me. I waited until Katana's break so she could guard my table in Narbes, and then ran downstairs to Long's to get some Altoids and ricola. I didn't need a bag, so I'm carrying my purchases in my hands, and I'm power-walking back to Narbes. This, apparently, was suspicious behavior to the fat rent-a-cops milling around the mall. I had to cough on them and justify my purchases. Then I ran back upstairs.

After that little altercation, things got a little boring—except when I suspected these two kids had multiple parents. (There are these two little kids who come in every now and then with this guy who feels a little ~*FABULOOUSS*~ but they always go up to the counter by themselves and always argue about random crap. Well, today I saw them with that guy, another guy, a woman, and then a big bald guy. I discussed it with ZombieSlayer and we think that Sir Fabulous is their brother.)

I then got a call from NaziJerk's sister, NiceNazi. She told me that he forced her to call me to try and “talk some sense” into me. He was outside, and she said that we should talk about random stuff for a while, and to ignore any violent changes in tone on her part so she could act like we had a fight. NiceNazi is pretty awesome.

Oh, and then when ZenTea came in, I thought I was hallucinating. Yeah. Don't wear plaid with your work pants when your regular shirt is black or white and I'm sick. I will think I am going crazy. Which I did. I thought I was hallucinating from ricola.