RIIIICOLA! RICOLA, RICOLA, RICOLA!

Every day that Hamburglar works, and Katana works, I go with them. I sit in Narbes, have my tea, freak out random strangers, plot against BaristaBoy (when he is there) and have an all-around good time. Today, even though I was sick, and even though I wanted nothing more than to stay at home and contain my plague, I automatically got up and got ready to go to Narbes.

This was a mistake.

I got an orange juice and water (not together) and sat me down to read Peanuts. (I typically read Peanuts when I am sick. Today is no exception.) Because I tend to have a devil-may-care attitude when I'm sick, and hate everyone and everything around me because I can't breathe, I get into a Creative Discussion with Katana... and then almost got kicked out of the mall.

Yeah, you heard me. I waited until Katana's break so she could guard my table in Narbes, and then ran downstairs to Long's to get some Altoids and ricola. I didn't need a bag, so I'm carrying my purchases in my hands, and I'm power-walking back to Narbes. This, apparently, was suspicious behavior to the fat rent-a-cops milling around the mall. I had to cough on them and justify my purchases. Then I ran back upstairs.

After that little altercation, things got a little boring—except when I suspected these two kids had multiple parents. (There are these two little kids who come in every now and then with this guy who feels a little ~*FABULOOUSS*~ but they always go up to the counter by themselves and always argue about random crap. Well, today I saw them with that guy, another guy, a woman, and then a big bald guy. I discussed it with ZombieSlayer and we think that Sir Fabulous is their brother.)

I then got a call from NaziJerk's sister, NiceNazi. She told me that he forced her to call me to try and “talk some sense” into me. He was outside, and she said that we should talk about random stuff for a while, and to ignore any violent changes in tone on her part so she could act like we had a fight. NiceNazi is pretty awesome.

Oh, and then when ZenTea came in, I thought I was hallucinating. Yeah. Don't wear plaid with your work pants when your regular shirt is black or white and I'm sick. I will think I am going crazy. Which I did. I thought I was hallucinating from ricola.

VIVA ESPAÑA!

Whenever I decide to spend the day getting applications, something happens that makes it impossible for me to do it. Not... well, okay, not improbable, per se, but it wouldn't the best decision given The State Of Things at that point in time.

Today I actually got up, got ready and looked nice for application purposes. But I had a sore throat, so we stopped in Narbes so I could get a hot tea. Then I decided to alternate hot and cold, so I got a hot zen tea and a cold zen tea. And it was good. I felt better.

Then ZombieSlayer came, and we sat around talking (she, myself and Hamburglar). We went downstairs, but then the mall was closing (the bulk of the mall closes at 5 on Sundays, but Narbes doesn't) so we didn't get applications.

And then... The Thing.

As we went back to Narbes, I got A Call, and The Call came from someone that I did not want to talk with. And I never will. (DO YOU HEAR ME, NAZIJERK?) There's always that one person who can't get it through their heads that you don't want to talk to them anymore. Everyone has that one person from their past. Whether you like it or not, whether you realize it or not, everyone has one. And everyone hates that one. I hate mine with a passion best not described to an unmonitored group of readers (read: My mom), but he doesn't seem to realize it. I sincerely wish he would, because I'm tired of poking my palms with my nails and drawing blood. I'm also tired of snapping at my friends and local baristas because of this jackass.

I got The Call on my way to our table. It's The Voice I Hate To Hear. I stormed out of Narbes and paced the outdoors, shouting at him and being shouted at. I vaguely recall almost running ZenTea down on my way back. When I went back inside, Katana gave me permission to have an espresso, so I went up to the counter.

Lesson: Asking me, when I'm feeling pissed, if I'm “alright” is Not A Good Thing To Do. Just saying. The correct question, if you're concerned about my well-being, would be “Who do you want to kill?” That will get you a concise, almost polite answer. Take heed, ZenTea. I apologize for snapping at you. It wasn't your fault—except that you're a man. (No, I'm kidding. I don't hate all men. I hate blond men.)

But the espresso helped.

I still wasn't in the right mindset to make people want to hire me. Eventually NaziJerk will run out of numbers to call me from, because I block all of them. I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow everyone has off, so it will hopefully be a happy day with minimum reenactments of the World Wars. And a more interesting entry.

P.S. I wanted to make that little boy cry again. But I didn't.
P.P.S. ZombieSlayer doesn't like Bobby Flay. WHAT.

I do it for the lulz

The Sarcastics: A film by ZenTea.

In a world full of honest and straight-forward comments, they stand alone.

Fighting to confuse.

Using snark like it's going out of style.

Staring Oscar winner Bek, Academy Award nominee ZenTea, and anyone they happen to meet along the way.

Critics are calling it “hilariously indirect.”

“Impossible to detect honest sincerity.”

Opening year-round, at a Narbes near you.

ARE YOU SCREAMING IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU READ THIS?

To prove that I don't make stuff up to write about here, I have a very uneventful day today. I made plans last night to get up early and get ready to go around and apply to places, but... I got about four hours of sleep last night, collectively, and Katana alerted me at about 8:40 that I should get up. But I heard this in my dreams. I got up at 8:50, and was ready at 8:57, but... we didn't leave the building until 9:15. WHAT.

Because I rushed around and didn't really have time to... wake up, I was still mostly asleep when we got to Narbes. And then I fell asleep at the bank teller's desk at the bank by Narbes. Did you know they can't process transactions if you're asleep? When I got back, I had an espresso (to wake up, not to get drunk off of) and a zen tea. ZenTea, I suspect, was half-asleep when I made my order because he asked if I wanted the (hot) espresso shot in my (iced) zen tea. I loled.

Hamburglar had to work at 11, so she hung out with me for a while and played Crisis Core and I got to rant about the general short-comings of multi-fandom RPGs. Then she went to work and I doodled. I doodled.... things. And those things were magnificent. Then I went down and applied to places.

On the way into the main part of the mall, one has to walk past Whole Foods. People sit at the tables outside Whole Foods with their dogs. One of these dogs looked just like my dog, who is recently deceased. And it behaved a lot like my dog (aka, wagging her butt at everything that moved). I had a sad so I went back up to Narbes and bought a Godiva chocolate bar from ZenTea (split it) and told him about the dog. Then I went to Hallmark, dropped an application, and bought an Angel For The Dog Lover pin, which is now on my bag in place of my L pin.

After this, I was still sad about my dog, so I went back to Narbes, got a zen tea, and told ZenTea and ZombieSlayer (who was working at this point) that the dog was still there and I was still sad. ZombieSlayer gave me a hug. ZenTea's advice? “Steal it.”

Me: “...What.”
ZenTea: “Steal it! Just knock it over the head and drag it away.”
Me: “...I think its owners might take issue with that.”
ZenTea: “Eh. Small price.”

ZenTea is funny. He also drew this on my cup:

...Yeah.

There was also this bento lady at Narbes, so Katana and I got to have these little egg-chick things.

And then there was Curry House. And it was good. And I have a stomachache.

The Ballerina Is A Lie

I was In A Mood this morning when I went to Narbes, for reasons I shall not disclose to my small readership, and I shamelessly took it out on ZenTea. (Tones are difficult to convey in text. Roll with it. I'm also paraphrasing; I don't remember entire conversations. DON'T CORRECT ME. Unless I'm really wrong.)

Before I go on, let me just state for the record that ZenTea is a nice person. He makes my drink (a zen tea, in case anyone was wondering) perfectly, and we usually split a Godiva chocolate bar and then decide if it sucks or not. (So far we like the mint chocolate the best.) I apologize for plugging you in a blog, dude.

Anyway, I go in with Hamburglar, who had to work. I ordered my drink, and a bowl of broccoli cheese soup. ZenTea has my drink ready before I pay, which is an impressive feat, and hands it over.

ZenTea: Here :D *when I don't immediately respond or communicate or look up, he apparently believes something is wrong with me.* .... Sup? You okay?
Me: What?
ZenTea: You look tired.
Me: So do you. What time did you get up today? (ZenTea lives on the other side of the island and has a two-hour commute. And he works the morning shift a lot.)
ZenTea: Five.
Me: *thinking: Boo, you whore* I got up at six after going to bed at four.
ZenTea: Why?
(Because I totally plan intermittent insomnia, of course.)
Me: I decided to see how quickly I can self-destruct.
ZenTea: *knows I am kidding, and laughs*
Cashier: *doesn't know I am kidding, and wasn't even a part of the conversation in the first place* How's that working out for you?
Me: …. *a pause for odd looks* Awesome.

Eventually, Cashier leaves and ZombieSlayer, who also works at Narbes, comes in like a tornado. She didn't know she was working today, and she got in slight trouble because she wasn't there on time. Her temper diffuses eventually (or at least it seems to). I come back for my first refill (I average about ten refills a day) and she tells me this story. I tell her about Hamlet and how I am a douche who doesn't understand pet death. I tell ZombieSlayer and ZenTea that I am working on this blog to compile material for a sitcom. They have lukewarm enthusiasm, like they don't think I'm serious.

Hey, guys? I'm totally serious. Bee-tee-dub.

I finished I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Lulz were had by all involved—and by people wondering what the fuck the girl at the next table over keeps laughing about. I suspect many of the Narbes patrons believe I have mental issues.

Throughout all of this, I am texting Katana, so I have the near-exact minutes of my later day.

5:25 PM: There is a jackass behind me playing computer games with sound and without headphones.

5:27 PM: He's not even very good. I'm better than he is. (Translation: He sucks like a two-dollar bitch.)

5:28 PM: There is a ballerina. Dancing. Around. The Cafe. What. The. Crap.

5:30 PM: Katana thinks I am on drugs. I tell her this is not so, because ZombieSlayer and TheGraduate also saw her. She exists outside of my mind.

5:33 PM: There's a new barista boy I've never seen before. I want to make him cry. Katana tells me not to; he's nice, and a coworker of hers. I'm not allowed to make her coworkers cry.

5:37 PM: It's taking a lot of effort not to—HOLY SHIT THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE TOM SELLECK (TOO EXCITED TO CARE ABOUT CORRECT SPELLING)!!

Hamburglar is done with work. She gets a drink and a brownie, and we go home, pick up Katana and go to Safeway.

Safeway is having a sale on bagels, by the way. Mine all have cheese on them and I've already eaten one. I got pirogis to keep me from eating all of the others.

Espresso Drunk

After about sixteen MILLION MINUTES of being pissed off at Germans in general, I decide to drown myself in espresso-induced happiness, compliments of Narbes (AKA, Barnes & Noble) Cafe. Story as follows:

10:04 AM: Receive e-mail from aforementioned German jackass. German Jackass inquires after my mental stability and requests immediate access to MY LIFE.

10:05 AM: I lol.

10:13 AM: German Jackass informs me that he is TheOnlyGuyYouCouldStandToBeWithForAnExtendedPeriodOfTime." I lol again, but then decide to get pissed off.

10:23 AM: Argument escalates to me inviting him to "come over here and stop me".

10:27 AM: He replies with one word: "Fine."

10:28 AM: Fuck.

Skip to Narbes, pre-espresso. I am now FULL-ON pissed off. For no apparent reason. he can't find me here because I'm not giving him my address. I get my usual (venti zen tea, sweetened; mercifully, ZenTea makes it and not DeadEyes.). But I'm still mad. I come upon the ultimate solution:

3:18 PM: Bek "I'm never dating anyone from anywhere East of France ever again. EVER."

Five espresso shots later: I AM A GOD.

One espresso shot after that: Katana suggests I apply to places in the mall.

I lol.

Applying to jobs in that state of mind (i.e., everything is funny, everyone is funny, and I'm imitating the lipsmacker next to me because even THAT is funny to me) would be nothing short of suicidal. I would instantly be labeled as unemployable.

I inform her of this. I also let her know that, worse comes to worse, I'll do porn.

I think I was serious.

4:09 PM: I decide maybe we shouldn't go drinking on my 21st (What?! you exclaim, She hasn't drank before? No, asshole; I'm not my sister.). I still want to, but I want to go on record saying that I think it might be a bad idea. If I'm this crazed on espresso, imagine how I would be on alcohol. Shit will EXPLODE.

I'm still going drinking on my 21st, though.

5:01 PM: Someone is using a highchair as a laptop table. I have informed him of his awesomeness.

Katana thinks it's not allowed.

I know. But it's still AWESOME.

A special note: This retelling is not accurate. Next time, I'll bring my notebook and record everything. It's really difficult to explain just HOW CRAZY I was (and why Katana says I am cut off from espresso for at least a month. She didn't actually say a month, but I've decided I'm only banned until my next bad mood.) without exact minutes.

Next time. Next time.