What The Hell Was Perez Hilton Doing There?

Hamburglar found the greatest show in existence this morning. And it was a complete accident, which makes it even more awesome. The show is called “You're Cut Off” and it's about these complete divas who spend something between 7,000-10,000... a week. Their families finally get fed up with it and call in this life-coach person, Laura.

The girls are told that they're going to be featured on a show about their lavish spending habits called “The Good Life”, and are followed around by a camera crew for a week. All nine of the girls are brought to the same mall, where they go shopping as usual, all of their purchases are rung up... and their credit cards are declined.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed they.

The girls are brought to the customer service place of the mall, and are shown videos from their families telling them how pathetic, shallow and overly confident they are in their credit card balances. They're sent to the intervention house (One girl comments “We're in the ghetto!” as they pull into a nice, suburban driveway) where they are given one duffle bag for all of their crap, and anything they can't fit into the duffle bag will be stored elsewhere.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed they.

This is where the hilarity ensues. These spoiled bitches are forced to cook for themselves (on a budget they have to earn by doing chores; if they don't do the chores, the budget is cut down), clean up after themselves and shop in thrift stores. They were made to clean with a maid service... in Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth's house. OH MY GOD.

I am dying with laughter (and shock at their interviews) throughout the entire series of episodes. This show makes up for me cleaning bathrooms for my family.

And yet, at the same time, I sincerely hope that their antics are exaggerated. (One girl actually stated that she had no idea coupons existed, and didn't know how to use them.) They were so unbelievably clueless about how their actions may effect others. As I'm watching, I'm wondering how their families let them get out of control like this... because they sure as hell don't earn the money they're spending. You have to ask for money to spend money, and someone gave it to them. Whoever that is, I want to cut off their penis and/or steal their ovaries because they should not be allowed to breed ever again.

Unfortunately we didn't get to see the finale because we had to pick Katana up from work. Big. Fat. Bummer. On the list of things I'd rather not want to do tonight, having a stranger spontaneously appear in my apartment and order pizza with bacon and sausage (which equals blinding migraines for me), comes right after “make a painting with my own blood” and “eat rocks”.

My most prominent personality flaw, but one I can't/won't do anything about, is my hatred for strangers and visitors. Having my brothers and sisters visit once a month is stressful for me, and I love my brothers and sisters to death. But I still get stressed. If BeccaTwoC was coming to visit, I would still need at least twelve hours warning. BeccaTwoC is my best friend in the world. That is how strong this aversion to visitors is. Spontaneous visitors render me catatonic, especially when I have nowhere to hide. Our lanai is full of suitcases that were in the living room. My headphones are broken so I can't even block out the noise.

And then the bacon.

Nitrates give me terrible migraines. They always have. I actually see spots when hot bacon is in the room. Cold bacon, fine. But the fumes are terrible. It also comes in sausage and ham. (By the way, all three are on this pizza.) Best way to get me out of a room? Make bacon.

And bring strangers.

In other news, I'm turning in my job paperwork tomorrow and officially starting on Sunday. Wish me luck.

P.S. Hamburglar and ZombieSlayer finished Left 4 Dead. Yay. Now they get to go back and redo it.

A Very Bendy Birthday

Yesterday was Hamburglar's 22^nd birthday. So of course a great fuss had to be made. Katana likes fussing about birthdays (a fact that fills me with dread, considering I am next). Since it was going to be a very eventful day and I wanted to remember everything about it, I recorded the minutes in my phone. If you want to get a drink or take a leak, now would be the time to do it because this is a Very Long Entry.

11:45: On the bus.

11:50: Tourists. Hiss.

11:52: Tourist (male) with a purse. Not a hacky sack. A PURSE.

12:02: Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf is MY GOD. Feel bad about cheating on Narbes, though.

12:15: *counts pennies into rolls* Katana is a cheap bitch who won't go to CoinStar.

12:25: BIG FISH OMAIGOD *runs out of bank*

12:26: *converses with and names fish*

12:28: If I don't get a pet fish soon I will eat myself.

1:10: Waiting for our Genki order. I has a Flounder. (omaigod)

1:28: ZombieSlayer needs to stall Hamburglar.

(We get the sushi, Hamburglar's little sister, Little Ham, picks us up and drops us off at the apartment. We set up in AN AMAZINGLY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, and then we have reservations at a tea joint in Kailua that Hamburglar wanted to go to really badly.)

2:42: Holy crap. Our reservations are for 3 and we're not even on the road yet.

3:42: Ham's brakes failed. Balls. Goodyear sucks hard cock. They wouldn't take us and call their guy back even though he JUST LEFT. God bless LionDancer. (Minor note: The guy hadn't left yet. Katana and Hamburglar talked to him personally and he was shocked at the way we were treated. They were just being bitches. We took Cloud to another guy.)

4:24: We went to CPK. And we are stressed. Fuck Goodyear. I intend to leave them a strongly worded voice mail concerning our experience.

4:34: LionDancer is here! Funs to be had! (Shit, I'm hungry.)

4:39: Talking about Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Awkward feelings toward Narbes. Lulz.

4:47: Bread rules!

4:52: LionDancer asks if I am going to the bathroom. I tell her no, I'm going to blow the place up. When I get back (after grooving to the bathroom music) I tell them we have 30 minutes to bingo. Lulz.

4:59: There is baseball playing and NO ONE IS WATCHING. You know why? Because baseball sucks.

5:09: Yay, birthday sundae!

5:27: Driving back to the mechanic's. We are still awesome. FYI.

5:27.5: “You know what's not here anymore?” “DUNKIN DONUTS!”

6 – 7:39: Presents and festivities.

7:42: “I WISH I HAD A FLYING BISON! I would Yip-Yip this crap!”

8:00: There is no seating at Dave and Busters. What the eff.

8:05: I really want to play but I don't think everyone wants to sit with me for six hours while I obsessively roll the ball.

8:07: I hate waiting, though. Balls.

8:21: They seated other people of equal or greater parties. We're still here. (This is because we're white, isn't it?)

8:22: They just seated parties of Mel, Matt and Nat. OMAIGOD SUCCESSORZ! (This still sucks, though.) ZombieSlayer went to talk to them. No improvement.

8:37: We finally sat down but now we have no fucking waiter.

8:46: Snow Cone = Win. (Little Ham: “Dangerous.”)

9:04: Bull Buster. Hamburglar hates me now.

9:06: The cup smells like fermented cough syrup. (Hamburglar likes it.)

9:10: Purple People Eater.

9:11: It tastes like purple DEATH.

9:11.5: It tastes like a popsicle.

9:12: We like it!

9:14: “It's happy hour somewhere...” “It's an hour and I'm happy.”

9:17: “Everything's starting to swim, thank you, BEK!” (My drink had Jagermeister in it.)

9:22: “This was made in China. I can still read.”

9:23: “I think you said canumption.”

9:25: The Shizzle and the Orange Cream Cooler are here. We like the Shizzle. The Cooler is “all kinds of Red Bull.”

9:29: Katana wants me to take a picture of everything, and not just Hamburglar. I don't quite care. I'mma smack a nerd.

9:32: I snuck upstairs past a bachelor party (we are now pals and I think they will have problems today when they look at their pictures and go “...Who is this chick?” because they asked me to pose with them. They deserve it. No one brings a camera to a bachelor party.) but I don't think they have my game.

9:35: Huge military type dude omg.

9:38: I ran downstairs because this guy wouldn't leave me alone. He was clearly drunk so I told him to meet me at the slots. (D&B had no slots that I could see.)

9:42: The Lethal Weapons. Little Ham is mean.

9:43: The Big TNT. Hrrrmmm. (The Lethal Weapon is nice, apparently. Like cinnamon.)

9:45: Hamburglar, Katana and A. are each going to do a Lethal Weapon. Katana has a happy.

9:47: The TNT tastes like... tea?

9:48: Hamburglar should not make any sudden movements. We are testing our fine motor skills by texting Facebook. Results are humorous.

9:50: The curfew is almost up. Hamburglar doesn't think she can walk to the car. But she is happy.

9:56: Hamburglar's hands are numb. YAY TOTAL DRUNKNESS!

10:00: Lean back.

10:02: It's past curfew and we're bad. Hamburglar has no water and she is le sad.

10:03: Katana gave Hamburglar water and she is le happy.

10:08: I can tell I'm happy because I'm dancing to hip hop. And also, Hamburglar is too drunk to eat her birthday brownie.

10:16: Scooby Snack. Katana downed it in half a second.

Those were the minutes of Hamburglar's birthday party. Her sister, Little Ham, flew in from Maui (not very far, bee-tee-dub) to spend it with her. We had a surprise party, and lots of festival crap. Etc. Because Katana makes a big deal out of everyone's birthday, I'm worried because I could care less about my birthday, and I don't like people making a big deal. But if I don't tell her anything I want to do, a big deal will be made. Argh.

EPILOGUE:

We went to pick up the car today, and the guy inflated her tires and changed her oil for no additional cost—which is good, because his labor price was seriously inflated but we couldn't go anywhere else because Goodyear is a bitch and we couldn't go home because we would have to go on the highway and she was driving with her emergency brake.

Then we went to Jack in the Box. Yay.

I do it for the lulz

The Sarcastics: A film by ZenTea.

In a world full of honest and straight-forward comments, they stand alone.

Fighting to confuse.

Using snark like it's going out of style.

Staring Oscar winner Bek, Academy Award nominee ZenTea, and anyone they happen to meet along the way.

Critics are calling it “hilariously indirect.”

“Impossible to detect honest sincerity.”

Opening year-round, at a Narbes near you.