Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in the Sun

My favorite books of all time make me feel very uncomfortable. The words are not cold and the situations are not rude. Instead, the very story makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. When I am finished, I feel like I should be doing something. I feel a desperate need to create that crawls through my veins, almost to the point that I can see it happening. My fingers itch to write something - anything - down, but, at the same time, my legs want to run. I get excited, and a little sick, and very inspired - but inspired for what, I don't always know.

I have two "stories" ("stories" are not books. Books are finished. Stories are on-going methods of masochism) that I am working on right now. One is a secret, and one is about a serial killer. I have a good idea of the secret, but not so for the serial killer. It's more like a collection of luminous bubbles floating around in my head. They're there, and I can feel them when they touch me, but they either burst or find some way to escape and become something else entirely. If I could catch onto them, or discipline myself to go on without them, the "story" would be a book by now, and the welts in my brain would have healed themselves. But I can't. I feel like the bubbles contain something genius, and I don't want to abandon them for fear that what I come up with would not be as good.

There's a Chinese legend about a carp that swims upstream and becomes a dragon. It's associated with Children's Day in Japan, where they fly carp streamers. The symbolism of it interests me. Even though it's celebrated in Hawai'i, I've only ever seen the carps. I've never seen anything else involved with Children's day. When I think of it, I see children holding their carps on poles, waiting to grow up and become dragons themselves. Right now, all of my "stories" are carps. Eventually, they will Become, as Dolarhyde would say.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Soundtrack of My Life

Recently (and, by recently, I mean: four months ago) I "rediscovered" my passionate, not-so-well-meaning, and very passive love of Slipknot. Even if I hadn't listened to them for some time, I would call myself a maggot in passing. To fans of Lady Gaga, I would explain, "You are a monster, I am a maggot," all the while thinking, teeth gritted, "and my group could kick your group's ass." True story. But I no longer listen to them when I'm upset... mostly because I'm not upset so very often anymore.

For an idea of what kind of music I listen to on a daily basis, let's go to my iPhone Youtube history (a log of the non-iTunes songs I listen to). This is listed in order of listening, not liking.

Duality - Slipknot
Left Behind - Slipknot
Tick-Tock - Ke$ha
What the Hell - Avril Lavigne
Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses
Kaboom - Marilyn Manson
(sic) - Slipknot
You Spin Me Around - Dope
You're Going Down - Sick Puppies
Albannach at the Edinburgh Festival
My Immortal (rock remix) - Evanescence
Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
Circle of Life - Lion King
Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
Broken - Seether featuring Amy Lee
Yeah - Usher
Engel - Rammstein
Misery Loves Company - Emilie Autumn

Okay, so that's a lot of Slipknot... but it's actually much more diverse than it used to be. I mean, Usher and Avril Lavigne and - for crying out loud - Ke$sha are in there. I call that personal growth.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

RIP, 2010. AFGO.

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruix's Code For Life.

When you're standing in front of a work of art, and the person beside you says “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,” it is not fair of them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Different people see, think and believe different things. What you think, and what you do, is your own. It is your power as a person, to see beyond what others think, and to count on your own judgment and instincts before those of others. They are not necessarily wrong, and they are not necessarily right, but they are your own, and you owe it to your conscious to listen to yourself before others.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt.

People have only as much power over you as you let them. Respecting the opinions of others, and letting them control you entirely, are completely different acts. No one has the right to control another's emotions. No one has the right to control another person. Obey your superiors; respect the opinions of the wiser; but choose for yourself whom you truly believe to be your superior, the wiser. Allow yourself to hear your own voice before you hear the voices of others. This, in the end, is the voice you have to listen to at night.

The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone.” - Milan Kundera.

The strongest families are not necessarily bound by blood, but by trust. Gather around you those you trust, and no one can hurt you. Immeasurable love is the greatest shield to the barbs of the insecure, those who do not have this luxury. Confide yourself to those who would never repeat it, except to ease your suffering. Open yourself to those who can heal you. Close yourself to those who have hurt you.

I believe that people are only truly strong when they admit they are weak. I believe that blaming others is a coward's escape. My beliefs won't change the world. My hopes won't affect the universe. If I had the answers, I would not be the victim or subject of needless suffering. If I believed in myself more than others, I would not be inferior. If I surrounded myself only with unconditional love, I would not be ashamed. These are my resolutions. Not to change the whole world, but just to change my own.